The Apprentice's Contestants

"First prize - you get to work for me. Second prize don't exist." So says acerbic, caustic Sir Alan Sugar in the first episode of the new fifth series of the BBC's ratings monster, The Apprentice.

Over the next few weeks, the no-nonsense, self-made millionaire will separate the wheat from the chaff with the invaluable input of trusted aides Nick Hewer and Margaret Mountford. Sixteen candidates made the final cut, but one dramatically pulled out on the eve of the first boardroom briefing. "Pressure," snapped Sir Alan. "That's what it's all about. Are you tough enough to put up with it?" The camera panned across the new recruits and I immediately knew who'd bottle it.

Naturally the new series had to be launched in style; the London venue was packed to the rafters with members of the press from all forms of media. We were treated to the premier episode and I can safely say that if the rest of the series matches it, don't even think about going out on Wednesday nights. Following the screening, there was a question and answer session; Sir Alan was on fine form parrying with anyone brave enough to take him on.

I could feel my nerves eating away at my internal organs as I raised my hand to ask him about discerning genuine Apprentice candidates from wannabe celebs. A pause... a crack of a facial muscle (on other human beings, it would be called 'a smile'), a slight nod of the head... he approved of the question. Phew! He proceeded to give me one of the longest answers of the session. Conversely, two other journos were given short shrift; withering stares and answers full of disdain from Sir Alan went to a lady from Reuters who asked if he was using The Apprentice as a stepping board to running for London Mayor and another woman from Style magazine, with a boring anecdote about an Amstrad computer her mother purchased and didn't pay for. Note to self; never attempt a yarn less interesting than listening to chess on the radio in public. It was almost more cringe-inducing than the episode we'd just watched.

This fifth series includes: a city stockbroker, an award-winning restaurant owner, a qualified lawyer, an aristocrat, a 21-year-old entrepreneur, an ex-professional footballer and a chess champion. In my opinion, the list should instead read (in no particular order): an idiot, a fool, a right cow, a pretentious twit, a terrible negotiator, a loudmouth, a hard-nosed bitch, a schmoozer... What is it about The Apprentice that turns seemingly successful people into half-wits absolutely devoid of common sense? Still, when the result is a mixture of tension, hilarity and schadenfreude TV at its finest, who's complaining? Miss this show at your peril. In the meantime, meet the contestants in our gallery below.

• Our Apprentice special, including fun features, news and gossip

The Apprentice, Wednesdays, 9pm on BBC1