Big Yawner?

Even before Brian was crowned Big Brother 8's winner, the inquest had begun. Ratings fell to the worst weekly figures of any Big Brother series (dropping to an average of 2.7 million viewers one week in June when it struggled against ITV1's Britain's Got Talent); the tasks were far from memorable and hardly any of the twists worked. Remember Big Sister? The oestrogen-filled house of the first week? Liam's £100,000? The disastrous Halfway House? Although I personally preferred it to last year's big yawner (Golden Ticket winner Susie anyone?), like a curry-chomping Jade Goody in the London Marathon, Big Brother 8 huffed, puffed and struggled towards the finish line.

The success of this show can be approximately measured as follows: ratings (down this series), tabloid press interest (down. I have it on extremely good authority that it took Charley's eviction to bring the red tops and celeb magazines back to Elstree en masse) and the number of eviction votes cast (down courtesy of a number of factors, including the phone-in vote scandal that has tainted every single terrestrial TV channel). On all three counts, the latest instalment in the franchise hasn't performed as well as previous entries. According to research, Channel 4 relies on Big Brother for almost 25% of its annual advertising revenues. The show needs to deliver for the broadcaster (which has reportedly paid over £30 million for the next three series), the sponsor and the audience. That's why it's time for a revamp.

This is hardly revolutionary, but it is absolutely essential as Big Brother's own recent history perfectly illustrates. After a tedious series in 2003 with housemates deader than East 17's career (the winner was an introverted Bible-reading virgin, rather than a gregarious Bible-reading virgin), interest was restored in the format when Big Brother went 'Evil' in 2004. The housemates had a rough ride because the producers deliberately made the house smaller, more intimate and as uncomfortable as possible. They also chose housemates who were unlikely to get on, ratcheting up the tension and arguments as a direct result. It worked a little too well as tempers flared into the infamous 'fight night': security guards pulled contestants apart, live coverage was cut and Hertfordshire police were called in. With bickering, sexual tension (did Michelle and Stu do it on live TV, or not?), jealousy, harder challenges, tougher penalties and a hilariously bad Big Brother, series 5 invokes a wistful look in the eye of obsessives who frequently hail it as the best ever. It was the epitome of tabloid TV.

Fast forward to 2007 and without Charley and Chanelle's feud and Brian's daftness, Big Brother 8 barely distinguished itself. This show relies heavily on the quality of its contestants, but too many were found wanting: Shabnam, Billi, Seany, Nicky, Laura, Kara-Louise, Tracey, Amy and David will be lucky if they're remembered next week, never mind next year. They can wave goodbye to making it to twelve minutes of fame, let alone fifteen.

With no Celebrity Big Brother this January, it's the perfect opportunity for the producers to put even more thought into the summer money-spinner. Start by dropping some of the stereotypical housemates (I'm soooo fed up of glamour girls/promotional models) and be a little bit more adventurous with the casting. The tasks must be significantly improved (bring back the Saturday night live one!) and the twists need to be more inventive because the Big Brother-savvy housemates are second-guessing scenarios. This year, they were correct on just about every occasion. How embarrassing is that?

Stop the incessant tinkering with nominations and blatant manipulation of events (the Halfway House/Main House revolving door business was as transparent as cling film), cut it down to ten weeks and give the Shabnams, the blatant fame-seeking wannabes, a harder time in the house than the ones who are there for the experience. To quote another TV show, Fame's Debbie Allen: "You want fame? Well, fame costs. And right here is where you start paying". Finally, do something about the turgid last week which is an annual bore. Don't give the finalists an easy ride just because they've survived into the last few days. Will the Big Brother producers save their cash cow? They'll decide.