by Stuart Bak, MSN Columnist |  |
Bak's TV Week That Was
Stu casts his eye over last week's TV. Do you agree with Stu's views? Mail him: bakontv@hotmail.co.uk
The World's Worst TV Talent Show
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I have a talent. No, really, I do. I can move my little toe independently of all my other toes. And I can bend my legs backwards at the knees. I can even do both at the same time. This unique skill is, of course, of no use whatsoever. It's not going to earn me any money (unless I join the circus), and it certainly wouldn't earn me a place in the BB Celebrity Hijack house though, God knows, it's far more exceptional than the 'talents' of at least 50% of the existing housemates.
Take creepy cushion botherer Liam for example. Internet forums are already abuzz with revelations about this supposed child prodigy, whose company has only been incorporated for one year (so not since he was 13 then), and whose claims of having 12 employees just don't add up if his annual turnover is only £200k. So what exactly is Liam's talent? Not maths, clearly. Nor PR (or indeed spelling) if the following is anything to go by, posted on a web forum by the man himself just three months ago:
'When your not earning a hugh turnover but have everything else in place making your company look 'top dollar' and very profesisonal, what would you answer when someone from the press queried... 'what is your turnover?''
I think it's fair to say that Liam's not the sharpest knife in the drawer, though he does do a fantastic line in cringeworthy business-speak. "There are those who think inside the box," he rasped through toothless gums on day eight. "There are those who think outside the box and there are those who create the box. I usually create the box." Perhaps you should just get back in your box, Liam. Entrepreneur indeed.
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In fact, as far as I can tell, this 21st-century Walter Mitty's only genuine skill is to make me feel nauseous whenever he starts lisping on about his prolific sex life – a sex life presumably as exaggerated as his claims of entrepreneurial flair. He does a good line in animal noises too, but there's only so much career mileage in that. Who knows though, perhaps DFS will employ him to help advertise their cut price sofas when he leaves the house. Because, if anyone can speak passionately about soft furnishings, it's Liam.
Halfwit House
Liam, however, is by no means the only talent-free zone in the house. Not only is gormless Jeremy the most boring person in there, his talent is merely that he can drive a car quite fast. He's a dead cert for the 'never-to-be-heard-of-again' pile after he leaves the house. Jeremy spends half his time following Emilia around like the world's most gormless ghost, and the other half wondering why he was born without a mandible. Lucky Jeremy now joins a long line of celebrities without chins, among them Otis Ferry and Gail from Coronation Street. At least he's in good company.
The already deposed Jade's only talent was her looks. Unless, that is, behaving exactly like a hyperactive three-year-old passes as a talent. Which, in Celebrity Hijack, it probably does. Meanwhile, dancer Latoya can't dance or, apparently, speak and imbecile Jay needs to learn how to dress himself properly before he starts telling other people what they should be wearing.
The true extent of the housemates' stupidity surfaces best when they are having any sort of discussion or debate. During Janet Street-Porter's task, the housemates were asked to debate whether men are the stronger sex. "Men get singled out a lot," bleated Calista, apropos of nothing, to which Nathan countered sagely: "Men don't have to give birth." Doesn't exactly inspire faith in the youth of today, does it? Victor, however, stole the show with this brilliant insight: "Men are the superior sex because of the way we are born."
As expected, performing seal Victor has quickly become Celebrity Hijack's most interesting housemate. He's like a coiled spring. I keep waiting for him to lash out physically at the slightest provocation. Perhaps he's just missing his steroids or something but, if there's going to be any violence in there, you can be sure he'll be at the centre of it.
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The walking testosterone time bomb started the week by telling Amy that she gives him a 'boner'. Charming, I'm sure. He then proceeded to order sister Emilia to make his breakfast, bring him cups of tea, change the sheets on his bed and, quite probably, chop up his food for him. Emilia, of course, has been too busy draping herself all over every other male housemate to have time for such menial chores.
Victor's treatment of Jade was also pretty appalling, and actually got worse when John McCririck made him see the error of his ways. The circus boy's subsequent charm offensive was just, well, offensive. "Be subtle," advised John. But Victor doesn't do subtle and spent the next four hours following Jade around like a lapdog, sniffing her, showering her with creepy compliments and even – on one occasion – mimicking her. It's obvious that he lacks basic social skills, which made that whole Jade episode incredibly uncomfortable viewing. So well done to John McCririck for engineering the whole thing.
Which brings me on to the celebrity hijackers who have, frankly, been a bit hit and miss so far. Asda fishmonger Ian Wright was – perhaps unsurprisingly – the worst by a long chalk. He completely missed the point and spent most of his tenure chatting to the housemates over the tannoy in a horribly smug and self-congratulatory manner ("I do a lot of charity work"). Kelly Osbourne and Peaches and Fifi achieved the unimaginable by actually being less talented than any of the housemates, while B-list actor Alan Cumming was just plain dull.
Which brings me on to the celebrity hijackers who have, frankly, been a bit hit and miss so far. Asda fishmonger Ian Wright was – perhaps unsurprisingly – the worst by a long chalk. He completely missed the point and spent most of his tenure chatting to the housemates over the tannoy in a horribly smug and self-congratulatory manner ("I do a lot of charity work"). Kelly Osbourne and Peaches and Fifi achieved the unimaginable by actually being less talented than any of the housemates, while B-list actor Alan Cumming was just plain dull.
Far better was Russell Brand, whose persecution of Jeremy was a joy to behold, and whose understanding of what makes Big Brother great led to the inclusion of a quite brilliant cameraman fracas inside the house. Likewise John 'Return Of The Mack' McCririck, who should really be on TV all the time. Perhaps ITV might consider him as the anchor for the new News at Ten. Now roll on Jake and Dinos Chapman.
Quotes Of The Week
"You're a whore all the time." - Jeremy turns up the charm for Emilia.
"I tried to have sex with a cushion." - Liam tells the tale of the world's unluckiest cushion.
"She's a jack of all trades and master of none." - Emilia on Jade, though she could well have been referring to any of the girls in the house.
"Stephen Hawking doesn't need that chair." - Russell Brand discusses public image with half-wit Jay.
"You are the 3-1 favourite to win." - Top quality fibbing from hijacker John McCririck.
"It's like The Truman Show." - Yes, Emilia, except Truman didn't know he was being filmed.
"All those kids left without fathers and that." - An eloquent summation of 9/11 from highly skilled orator Anthony.
"I'm not a man yet." - No, Victor, you're not.
The views in this column/blog are those of the author alone and not of MSN or Microsoft.
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Read more of Stuart Bak's TV reviews in our Couch Potato archive.
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