Bak's TV Week: Big Brother

Eagle-eyed readers will have noticed that it's been a while since I last wrote about Big Brother. There's a reason for this: I haven't been watching it. I think I have reality show fatigue; I've reached saturation point and without a break I might have ended up as nuts as the BB housemates themselves.

 

And it seems I'm not alone in this, with viewing figures hitting record new lows for the evictions of people like Hira and Benaizir, who may as well be characters from an obscure Manga cartoon as far as I'm concerned. I seriously couldn't pick them out of a line-up if my life depended on it.

 

But enough about me. The house's first couple of months have apparently seen 10 evictions, four walk-outs and even one suicide attempt. Yes, apparently evictee Sree ended up in hospital after slashing his wrists. After watching a couple of highlights shows, I just might follow him.

 

We've had the usual fights, arguments and romances – two of the housemates' boyfriends entered the house only to leave with their evicted girlfriends (Karly and Noirin) a few days later. Noirin became the most hated contestant of the series by preying indiscriminately on the house's men then giving them the brush-off as soon as she had them hooked. And – perhaps most remarkably of all given my complete inability to correctly predict winners of reality shows – Marcus, who I backed from day one, is still in the house.

 

More remarkably still, it seems like the rubbish Wolverine look-alike could go all the way, having fended off serial eviction survivor Freddie/Halfwit. It's not like the remaining competition is up to much. Take Lisa, for example. The mutant offspring of Jackiey Budden and Shirley from EastEnders, Lisa has a head like a hard-boiled egg and a personality to match. She's a tedious, chain-smoking platitude generator who has presumably only made it this far by avoiding nomination. Surely she can't win. Surely.

 

Photo Finish

Marcus' beef with Big Brother made him stand out too. The big, hairy cry-baby decided he didn't like his publicity photo and wanted producers to use a different pic. "It makes me uncomfortable and it makes me sad," he whinged. "It makes me wish I'd never come on the show. It makes me look like a total fool."

 

A quite remarkable over-reaction, I'm sure you'll agree. You'd think that a man who looks as perpetually awful as Marcus would, at 35 years of age, have come to terms with his physiognomic shortcomings. But no, apparently not.

 

Still, his treatment of utterly repellant Bristol whinger Bea and hilarious gay stereotype David makes him OK in my book. He called David, for example, a "fat c*nt", and Bea "mindlessly horrible." In other words, he tells it like it is. He says what he sees. And this is a quality that has been noticeably lacking in the majority of Big Brother contestants past and present.

 

You can't help but feel a bit sorry for him though, stuck as he is in a delusional fantasy world in which he is adored by women across the country, in which he believes his new publicity picture to be any sort of improvement on the last, and in which he thinks there are four million people watching the show. Try halving that figure, Marcus.

 

"Four million people think you're negative," he snarled at a tearful Bea during one of his more inspired argumentative moments. When, of course, you'd be hard-pushed to find four million people who know who Bea is, never mind four million who care whether she's negative or not.

 

Marcus has also proved more than willing to crawl repeatedly through liquid mud, face down. I can only assume he forced himself through this ordeal by thinking of the vast sums of cash he'll get for selling his story when he comes out of the house. Little does he realise that, this year, none of the tabloids are remotely interested. He'll be lucky to get a half-page spread in Heat, the poor sod.

 

Don't Worry, Bea Happy

 

If Noirin had previously achieved the status of this year's most hated housemate, she was gloriously superceded by Bea. It's difficult to conjure up the right words to convey just how monstrous a human being Bea really is. But for you, dear reader, I'll try.

Bea is the kind of girl who believes she should be respected and adored by all, despite displaying none of the qualities that might help her achieve this. She's negative, spiteful, and terminally boring. Her life is like one long complaint.

 

Every time she opens her mouth it's to whinge about something or other, little realising as she bleats persistently – and apparently without conviction – about how positive she is, that she's simply making things worse for herself. It must be awful being Bea. She's got a face like a runny egg which only adds to the public's perception of her as a negative killjoy with apparently no sense of self whatsoever.

 

Despite Freddie/Halfwit's eviction, he remains a firm favourite in the eyes of the public. No doubt Bea felt vindicated by his departure, but that probably lasted while she herself wasn't up for nomination.  

 

Bea's treatment of Freddie/Halfwit (who she referred to at one point as "a spiteful little maggot") revealed her true colours. Yes, he was an irritating hippy toff, but few would argue that an hour in his company would be far less horrific than just a few seconds with Bea.

 

 

Quotes Of The Week

 

"When Bea starts being negative she looks so ugly to me." - That's all the time then, Freddie?

 

"It comes down to luck. If you could work it out 100% we'd all be millionaires." - Bea reveals terrifying levels of intelligence as she explains how betting works.

 

"I'm very likely to stay; Marcus is very likely to go." - Famous last words from evictee Freddie.

 

"Instead of talking to him, why don't you do a nice activity with him, like go in the swimming pool or play a game?" - Welcome to the Marcus school of conflict resolution.

 

"Sometimes I feel like I'm in a mental hospital." - You certainly look like you should be in one, Lisa.

 

"Where do potatoes go? Do they go in the fridge?" - Poor Dogface is still learning her basic life skills.

 

"Wetherspoons in Bristol is pretty banging." - Bea: a classy lady and no mistake.

Bak On TV

Read more of Stuart Bak's TV reviews in our Couch Potato archive. Do you agree with Stu's opinions? Disagree? Drop him a line on bakontv@hotmail.co.uk