Bak's TV Week: Bang Goes The Theory

People of a certain age will remember Tomorrow's World fondly, as much for the inventions that didn't work as for genuine groundbreakers like – gasp – the personal stereo and – wow – the digital watch. It seems somewhat laughable now, admittedly, but at the time Tomorrow's World gave us an interesting – and fun – glimpse at future technologies. Trust me, kids, without the personal stereo there would be no such thing as an iPod today.

 

Sadly, as technology progresses beyond the wildest dreams of most children of the 80s (myself included), so too does the dumbing down of our televisual pleasures. Tomorrow's World was unceremoniously axed in 2003 and anyone still hoping for a comeback will be sorely disappointed now that the BBC has 'replaced' it.

 

Step forward Bang Goes The Theory, unruly nephew of Tomorrow's World, where innovation, knowledge and creativity is replaced by over-the-top shouting, colour schemes that look like they were created by Megatron vomiting paint, and presenters so patronising they make Jeremy Kyle seem normal by comparison.

 

It's a 'hands-on' science show that tries so hard to be down with the kids that if it was announced next week that Beavis & Butthead were going to be presenting the next series with a circus clown and Tinchy Stryder, I probably wouldn't even bat an eyelid. Instead, we get squeaky clean Liz Bonnin, apparent 'biologist and bio-chemist' and definite former presenter of axed TV shows RI:SE and Top Of The Pops.

Farting Cows

 

Liz is all over the place. In one segment she gets from farting cows to edible insects in under 20 seconds. This, apparently, is part of an informative item about how we could stop global warming. You see, if we relied less on cows for food and ate insects instead, there would be far less dangerous methane in our atmosphere. This of course, is only informative if you've never formed a lucid thought in your life.

 

No, this is just puerile fodder for idiots. Farting cows. Arf arf. Eating insects. Eeeeewww. I mean really, you'd find more thought-provoking material in the average episode of Hollyoaks. Though you're unlikely to see Liz Bonnin enthusiastically scoffing a fried scorpion on Hollyoaks. So I concede that Bang Goes The Theory does have that one advantage.

 

Bonnin urges us in a breathless sex kitten whisper to visit bbc.co.uk/bang for "the bang interactive challenge." This no doubt had readers of Nuts magazine flocking to the site in their adolescent thousands, only to be disappointed to discover that it doesn't feature any pictures of Liz in her skimpies, suggestively fingering a microscope. I'm speculating, of course. I haven't actually checked. Not yet anyway.

 

Joining Liz in this jolly romp through the kind of science lesson you might have expected to receive in remedial classes, aged eight, is Jem Stansfield. Nope, me either. But Jem is no ordinary presenter. No siree. Jem is officially 'head of engineering'. This dubious title even appears in parentheses after his name in the show's end credits.

 

Make no mistake: Jem is an idiot. He's the b*stard child of Richard Hammond and Chris Packham, all childlike enthusiasm and barely two brain cells to rub together. He's the kind of bloke you'd expect to find making balloon animals on one of the smaller stages at Butlin's to entertain bored pensioners. Not on BBC1 at 7.30 on a Monday evening.

Tomorrow's World For Toddlers

 

Marvel as Jem gleefully straps on a jet pack powered by water, having just explained to camera that he's getting his thrust 'from a few bent pipes'. And not for the first time, I'd wager. He illustrates this by pushing water through a U-shaped pipe, the pressure causing the hose to rear up and squirt him in the face. This too is almost certainly familiar territory for the young 'scientist'.

 

"This is one of the stupidest things I've ever done," squeals Jem as he attempts lift off, having roped in a few hunky firemen to donate their hoses, and to help him back to his feet and dust him down should the experiment go wrong. Which of course it does. Suspiciously quickly in fact. This setback doesn't deter Jem from squealing with joy at the whole sorry experience.

 

Completing the trio is a man who goes by the name of Dallas Campbell, and who – not to be outdone by Jem – decides to dress himself up as Goldilocks to illustrate his investigation into life on other planets. The reason for this otherwise entirely unnecessary costume change? Well, you see, life can only exist on planets where – like Earth – the temperature is "not too hot, not too cold, but just right." Just like Goldilocks' porridge in the three bears' house.

 

Memo to the BBC. I am an adult. As an adult, I am forced to pay your ridiculous bloody licence fee. If I choose to watch children's programmes I will tune into the CBeebies channel or watch a Flumps DVD when I got home from a long day at work. I do not, however, expect to find kids' shows invading my telly set at a time when I'd much rather be watching adult shows like, er, EastEnders and The One Show.

 

Bang Goes The Theory is billed as "the show that takes science apart, pokes it about a bit, then puts it back together again." In other words, it's a show for kids. It's a show that appears to be made by kids. It's Brainiac without the brains. It's Tomorrow's World for toddlers. It should be on before Newsround. So what on earth is it doing in a prime-time slot? Answers on a postcard please.

 

Quotes Of The Week

 

"Tonight, we're putting science to the test." - You're certainly putting my patience to the test.

 

"I'm making chile con larvae." - By the third time Liz Bonnin made this joke, I'd stopped merely frowning and started stabbing my Bonnin voodoo doll with bits of broken glass.

 

"You're absolutely bonkers!" - Yeah, Jem, you're like totally wacky.

 

"I'm absolutely loving the fact that NASA are actually out there looking for ET." - What did you think NASA was for, Liz?

 

"Log on and take the bang interactive challenge!" - Liz makes teenage boys everywhere an offer they can't refuse.

 

Bak On TV

Read more of Stuart Bak's TV reviews in our Couch Potato archive. Do you agree with Stu's opinions? Disagree? Drop him a line on bakontv@hotmail.co.uk