Bak's TV Week: Young, Dumb & Living Off Mum

A bunch of talentless, workshy spongers are bunged into a house for eight weeks, forced to fend for themselves and perform a series of tasks, with one loser being evicted at the end of each week.

 

No, it's not Big Brother (is anyone still watching that?), but BBC Three's infinitely superior (but terribly titled) Young, Dumb and Living Off Mum, in which adolescents and 20-somethings who still live at home get their first taste of the real world. Well, sort of.

 

The narrator glibly sets the tone for this hilarious series with the fairly shocking announcement that "the kids are getting away with murder." Sadly, it's not quite that serious, though that would be a fantastic conceit for a BBC Three docu-soap.

 

Viewers would gasp in horror as one teen bludgeoned another to death with a tin opener, before wrapping the limp body in a bin liner and leaving it outside for the dustmen to collect approximately two weeks later. Then getting on with the serious business of learning how to change a lightbulb.

 

Instead, our gasps of horror are reserved for moments such as the one where spoilt brat Rachel asks a housemate how to heat up a tin of beans. And the occasion when broken Barbie doll Danielle describes her poor long-suffering mum as 'a doormat'. Charming, I'm sure.

 

Eighteen-year-old Rachel looks a bit like Rod Stewart after losing a fight with an epileptic hairdresser, and makes Oliver Reed look seem like a teetotaller by comparison with her heroic binge-drinking. She's the kind of girl you might expect to see hanging around outside an Essex nightclub after too many bottles of blue WKD, begging random strangers, stray dogs and lampposts for a quick fumble.

 

But she's a paragon of angelic beauty and perfect behaviour when compared with fellow slob Nicola, a fat, lazy good-for-nothing layabout with a faceful of cold sores and a mouth so filthy it would make any parent blush. Nicola goes by the name 'Nicky' but – given her proven inability to spell simple words like 'credit' – I imagine she spells it in a Jackiey Budden stylee. Nikkiey, perhaps. Or Niccaeye. Either way, she's a hopeless and profoundly stupid cretin.

 

Toilet Humour

One of this week's tasks was to unblock a toilet that looked like it had just undergone its own private Armageddon. Seriously, it was like the world's biggest turd had actually exploded on impact with the water. Or, as prim daddy's girl Dina would have it: "People need to learn how to poo properly." Quite right, but a bit rich coming from a girl who – at 17 years of age – comes off like she still has to ask her dad to wipe her backside for her.

 

In all fairness, Dina is one of the most sensible of all the housemates. She effortlessly makes the likes of Nicky look like a huffy toddler. A huffy chain-smoking toddler at that. And, despite her dad's best (and slightly creepy) efforts to tie her to his apron strings, she might actually come out of this experience with a bit of maturity and independence.

 

Less so Sean, a half-wit in an Alice band, who has spent his entire life sponging off his nan. Bless. At one point in the show, Sean actually starts to cry tears of pride. Pride that he's just wiped down a couple of kitchen surfaces. To be fair, by Sean standards this is something of a great leap forward. But really, it makes you wonder if this generation will be the one that sets evolution back by about 5,000 years.

 

Imagine how Sean might have behaved had he managed to bring himself to clean up the nuclear disaster zone left by the exploding turd. He'd probably have had himself nominated for the next Pride of Britain awards. Instead, ludicrously monikered Dogan took up the challenge. Good practise for his future career, I reckon.

 

Too Sexy For His Shirt

 

Each week, the housemates must compete in a 'real-life' task. One member of the losing team is then heartlessly voted out by their own parent. The latest challenge was to put on a fashion show in London's trendy East End, manna from heaven for blob Nicky who claims that "all me family are in the fashion industry." I think perhaps she misheard the word 'fashion' as 'fast food'.

Cue smooth-talking imbecile Jay's 'credit crunch' clothing range, featuring customised designs such as the words 'credet cruntch' and a meaningless CND-style symbol, both courtesy of thicky Nicky, of course. Jay, 25 years of age and still living with his mum, thinks he knows the fashion business. He also believes he's in charge, and spends most of the task ordering Nicky, Danielle and Rachel around like a particularly dim school teacher.

 

Of course, Jay knows nothing about fashion. Or, apparently about anything else. All he's interested in is putting on some lipstick and eyeliner, getting on the catwalk and throwing his (horrible) shirt at the fashionistas in the somewhat perplexed-looking crowd. It's no wonder that – despite bafflingly including a wheelchair in their 'Antarctica' clothing line – Dina's team romped home to victory.

 

Even Jay's own mum couldn't hide her dismay at her arrogant son's ridiculous behaviour, and agreed with the other parents that he should be voted out of the house. Sadly for her, this means the freeloading prat will be returning home to continue bleeding his poor ma dry. Kids today eh? Who'd have 'em?

 

Quotes Of The Week

 

"I'm not a massive fan of responsibility." - Nor, Sean, are you a great friend of basic human intelligence.

 

"Somebody's done too much poo." - Dina offers her own unique commentary on the state of the house lavatory.

 

"I thought you just put peas in a pan and it melted." - Watch out Delia: Dina's pea soup recipe could be the next big thing.

 

"The wheelchair was a great summing up of their collection." - Fashionista lady hoodwinked by half-wits.

 

"You're nothing! You're a dirty animal!" - Surely Rachel can't be both of those things, Dogan?

 

"This task is really easy." - Famous last words from task loser Jay.

 

Bak On TV

Read more of Stuart Bak's TV reviews in our Couch Potato archive. Do you agree with Stu's opinions? Disagree? Drop him a line on bakontv@hotmail.co.uk