Bak's TV Week: Undercover Boss

Nobody likes a corporate fat cat. Least of all the millions of hard-working Brits slogging their guts out on minimum wage day after back-breaking day, of whom company directors are about as beloved as a sound kick in the knackers with a steel-capped DM bovver boot.

 

These shadowy figures who conspire to make the working classes' lives a perpetual misery sit in their ivory towers quaffing thousand-dollar bottles of Champagne, stuffing their smug faces with blue-fin tuna steaks, and drinking the blood of young virgins – all at the expense of the company. Seriously, show me a global corporation and I'll show you a director with the kind of expenses claim sheet that would make the average British MP blush.

 

So it's a brave company director who'd agree to take part in Undercover Boss, Channel 4's latest feel-good fly-on-the-wall documentary which throws said big-wigs into the snarling lions' pit that is their own workforce. They are, as the title suggests, going incognito, but that's less for their own safety and more for purposes of the kind of heart-warming 'surprise surprise' denouement that even The Secret Millionaire would probably balk at.

 

First up is Andy Edge, a highly unlikeable sales and marketing director for budget UK holiday company Park Resorts, where jerry-built caravans, deep-fried bacon and eggs, and horrific, high-energy children's entertainment packages are the order of the day. Andy, a berk in a drab suit, is the human equivalent of a particularly dull six-hour PowerPoint presentation on 12-year financial forecasts for NCP car parks in the north-east, and he's on a mission to find out what makes the Park Resorts workforce tick. Or, failing that, to bore each and every employee he meets to death.

 

And so, using the bewilderingly unimaginative pseudonym Drew, and wearing a wrestler's mask and cape to conceal his true identity (no, not really), the tedious Mr Edge turns up at a Norfolk holiday camp to begin his investigations. As predictably as night follows day, what 'Drew' discovers there is not to his satisfaction: the cleaners are in revolt and the hangdog expressions on their de-motivated managers' faces suggest that they might use the dirty bedding from the caravans to string themselves up to the nearest rafter at any moment.

 

Who's The Boss?

Worse still, the kitchen is staffed by a one-man catering machine and obvious acid casualty called Sean, who doesn't even have a food hygiene certificate to his name. Indeed, if there was ever a better advert for why NOT to book with Park Resorts, then this is surely it.

 

And thus Andy discovers the true meaning of hard work as he is forced to clean pebble-dashed toilet bowls one minute and serve fried meat of unidentifiable origin to a baying mob of disgruntled holidaymakers the next (presumably, but not definitely, washing his hands in between). And yet, he still fails to fully understand why his employees are so unhappy in their work, claiming from behind the safety net of his six-figure salary that: "I don't think 30 or 40p more per hour would make any difference whatsoever." Which only goes to show just how out of touch Andy and his fat cat ilk truly are.

 

When his identity is finally revealed Andy ticks off two resort managers for their bad attitude, sends Sean on a catering course, and rewards another teacher's pet with a promotion and five-star hotel break. But it's kind of hard to see what he's really achieved, other than bringing Park Resorts into the public eye for all the worst possible reasons, and presumably a tear to the eye of any idiot watching who thought the programme was anything other than a marketing stunt gone badly wrong.

 

God Bless America

 

As Big Brother 10's viewing figures plummet ever further into oblivion and the nation finally realises that the once great show has truly reached the end of its natural lifespan, what better time for ITV2 to unleash I'm A Celebrity… USA 09? Yes it's the return of the evergreen series in which has-been celebrities and people you've almost certainly never heard of spend a few weeks gazing at logs, arguing over kangaroo testicles and gleefully stabbing each other in the back at every available opportunity.

 

It's exactly the same as the UK version, except that this one is set in the Costa Rican rainforests and is presented by our very own Myleene Klass and a bloke called Damien Fahey – who manages to look precisely like what you might be left with if you accidentally spliced Ant and Dec together using the teleportation machine from 80s horror flick The Fly.

 

During an episode of this genuine car-crash TV show last week, one pair of mad religious nuts, apparently related in some way to US reality show The Hills (but completely and utterly unknown to me), screeched and prattled their way to jungle sickness and eventual expulsion from the show 'for health reasons'. Mental health reasons presumably.

 

"What would Jesus do?" the bubble-permed male half of the duo asked his tearful (insane) wife at one point, as the ailing airhead clung desperately to his legs. And all of this in the space of a one-hour show. Yes it's really that good. Or bad, depending how you look at it.

 

The Brothers Baldwin

Also involved are all of the Baldwin brothers: Daniel Baldwin, Stephen Baldwin, Mike Baldwin, and Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Tich Baldwin. Stephen spends most of his days looking precisely like Daniel after a severe beating while Daniel has been vying with rubbish Action Man doll Lou Diamond Phillips for the position of camp alpha male, mostly by shouting as loudly as his fat, wheezing frame allows (which is quite loud) and bullying anyone who crosses his path, particularly Janice Dickinson. Yes, that's the same Janice Dickinson who appeared in the UK version of the show back in 2007.

 

Dear old Janice hasn't changed much. She's still a bitter, angry, desiccated husk of a woman who looks like her face was made on a rack and left out to dry in the midday sun before being put through a mangler and grafted straight onto the bone, badly. She's also still utterly hilarious and quite possibly the only sane celeb in the camp.

 

Not so mad Patti Blagojevich (wife of shamed former Governor of Illinois Rod) whose hard-done-by act ("we're just taking it day by day") is unlikely to endear her to the US public any time soon. And American Idol flop Sanjaya who, in the jungle environment, is behaving like a two-year-old in a toyshop, and is therefore intolerably – and incessantly irritating, like having a tiny angry wasp glued to your eardrum for eternity. Or being forced to watch a single episode of this year's Big Brother. Bleak, in other words, but almost impossible to ignore.

 

Quotes Of The Week

 

"I hate the job." - Undercover boss Andy Edge meets the most motivated member of his workforce.

 

"Stick it in the microwave or put it in the fryer." - Gourmet cuisine, Park Resorts style.

 

"Lou is in position, Daniel is laying down on a table." - Try watching I'm A Celebrity with your eyes closed – it's far more entertaining.

 

"I can take a lot of electricity." - Daniel Baldwin obviously has lots of time on his hands since his film career nosedived.

 

"Too much education causes retardedness of the brain." - Big Brother bore Sree has the measure of appropriately monikered housemate Halfwit.

 

"I'm telling you on your face… I love you." - Sree picks an unfortunate moment to let his English slip.

Bak On TV

Read more of Stuart Bak's TV reviews in our Couch Potato archive. Do you agree with Stu's opinions? Disagree? Drop him a line on bakontv@hotmail.co.uk