Bak's TV Week: Big Brother

And so, against all odds, Big Brother is back on our screens for a tenth consecutive year. Who would have believed that, when a bunch of bricklayers, public schoolboys, and masseuses entered the now infamous house way back in 2000, Big Brother would turn into the all-consuming juggernaut it is today? Not I. No, not I.

 

Of course, from those humble beginnings of 'social experimenting' with what was – in hindsight – a relatively ordinary cross-section of the British public, what we are now faced with each excruciating summer is a nightmarish gaggle of shameless fame-seekers, prima-donnas, divas, and care in the community runaways. Compare, for example, down-to-earth carpenter Craig, winner of series one, with Tourette's Pete, winner of series seven, and you'll see what I mean.

 

As if to confirm this descent into the howling pits of madness, presenter Davina McCall seems to get louder, and louder, and LOUDER with each series, with the result that had the RAF kicked off series 10 with a celebratory fly-past, you'd have been hard-pushed to notice they were even there over her ridiculously high-pitched squawk. I actually had to turn the TV down several times during the launch show, so grating has the woman become. But I digress.

 

So what now for Big Brother? What now for a show written off long ago by many a critic? Indeed even I, a long-time fan of the show, had this to say when school teacher Rachel Rice won the show last summer: 'And so, this once great reality show has finally reached its nadir… Surely they can't bring it back for a tenth series next year. Not after this. Surely not after this'.

 

What now for a franchise which, in January's series of Celebrity Big Brother, mustered an average of just 3.1 million viewers? What now eh? What now?

 

Big Brother 10's Launch

I'll tell you what now. The format has changed very, very slightly: housemates have been told they're not really housemates and that they must 'earn that privilege' through a series of tasks designed to show the nation just how low they will go in the pursuit of their 15 minutes of fame. It's hardly inventive is it?

 

And so, without further ado, let's meet the people who will do quite literally anything to maybe – just maybe – one day merit a mention in Heat magazine's 'Spotted' section. Such lofty ambitions…

 

Meet The (Non-)Housemates

 

Let's start at the very beginning. First in was Freddie: an inbred toff with a penchant for hugging perfect strangers for just a fraction longer than is strictly normal or necessary; a Tory who considers himself 'a spiritual guide'. Need I say more? Ok: he's the kind of person it's impossible to say anything positive about. So I won't even try. Verdict: tw*t in a hat.

 

Bolshy bovver-booted lesbian Lisa reckons she's 'converted a lot of straight girls'. I can only assume said girls must all have been deaf or blind. Or dead. Or all three. "Women want to f*ck me and men want to be me," she claims. A quick straw poll of my friends (yes, all three of them), reveals this not to be the case at all. One even chundered at the very thought. Verdict: last of the Mohicans.

 

Peroxide blow-up sex doll Sophie is one of those tedious Page 3 girls so beloved of Big Brother producers. You know, the kind who, like, can't finish a sentence without, like, saying 'like' at least three times. The kind who talk up their imagined intelligence in a vain attempt to conceal their utter, utter stupidity. Verdict: airhead.

 

Kris is a curly-haired 'visual merchandiser' for the Manchester branch of All Saints. In plain English, he tidies up the clothing displays. Visual merchandiser indeed – I still haven't stopped laughing at that. He reckons he's 'better looking than he is intelligent' which might explain why he appears to have the IQ of a peanut. He also looks a bit like Lee Mead, which is never a good thing. Verdict: he's a bloke with a perm. Nuff said.

 

Retail manager Noirin reckons she's beautiful. And indeed she is. She's also so desperate to stay in the Big Brother house that she allowed another housemate to shave off her eyebrows and draw a moustache and glasses on her face in indelible ink, less than an hour after she'd arrived. Not so beautiful now, eh? Oh, and she once kissed Russell Brand, which should give you some idea of the kind of person she is. Verdict: Branded for life.

 

Then there's moron Cairon, a vain, arrogant, low-trouser-wearing half-wit who has about as much chance of winning this year's Big Brother as I do. And Angel, a mad Russian who turned up for the launch show dressed, apparently as an undertaker. Gold-digger Karly is probably the only vaguely normal Scottish Big Brother housemate in the show's history (stand up Shabhaz, Sam, Sandy, and Mikey), while Benaizir take this year's prize for most likely trans-sexual. Verdict: a right bunch of (BB) losers.

 

You Say Saffia, I Say Sophia

Despite looking completely different, Saffia (statuesque, white) and Sophia (tiny, black) will no doubt confuse even the brightest of housemates with their ever so slightly phonetically different names. Poor near-namesake Sophie must be beside herself with the complexity of it all. Over-excitable, pocket-sized, and constantly shrieking with delight at the simplest things (a door, her housemates, her own tiny Oompa Loompa reflection), Sophia could be a shoo-in for the final. Tedious 'independent mum' Saffia (she has abandoned her two young kids to appear on the show) could not.

 

Brazilian Rodrigo is proud owner of this year's most smackable face. Yet, if his cheeky chappy schtick doesn't continue to grate as much as it did during the opening show, he too could go far. Likewise 'former Mr Gay Newcastle' (I thought that was Anthoneeee from BB6, no?) needs to tone it down a bit if he doesn't want the nation to send him packing at the first available opportunity. Verdict: minor irritants.

 

Which leaves just Sree, Siavash, and Marcus. So uninteresting is Sree that he could well drift his way through to the final unnoticed by his housemates or by the viewing public: Verdict: coma-inducing. Siavash – a delusional, vain, ridiculo-moustached hippy berk – thinks he's Jesus. He's not. He's a delusional, vain, ridiculo-moustached hippy berk. Verdict: God complex.

 

And – with the caveat that I have never, not ever, correctly predicted the winner of any reality contest – Marcus is my tip for this year's crown. Yes, he's a comic-book geek. Yes, he thinks he's Wolverine. And, yes, he loves himself more than anyone else possibly ever could. But he otherwise reminds me of a more pleasant era of Big Brother, when the 'stars' of the show were normal people like you and me, not fame-hungry wannabes like Angel and Karly. And I think the public will warm to him. All of which probably means he'll be kicked out before this article is a week old. Such is life. Verdict: Top Marcus.

 

Quotes Of The Week

 

"I'm the coolest dude in the universe." - Even if you were the only 'dude' in the universe, Freddie, you still wouldn't be the coolest.

 

"I never went to university or college." - You don't say, Lisa.

 

"I can hold a bottle between my boobs." - You could hold a tractor between those whoppers, Sophie.

 

"I feel kinda weird just wiping my own bottom." - Every trip to the toilet is a brave new adventure for Cairon.

 

"I think I'm 10 out of 10 for looks." - I'd say you're about a 4, Karly.

 

"I think I look a little bit like a slag sometimes." - Helpful Beinazir does my job for me.

 

"My children are my main priority." - So claims Saffia, who has abandoned her 7-month-old baby and six-year-old to go into the BB house.

 

"If anything interesting happens in London, I'm on it." - Siavash: coming to a crap nightclub near you soon.

Bak On TV

Read more of Stuart Bak's TV reviews in our Couch Potato archive. Do you agree with Stu's opinions? Disagree? Drop him a line on bakontv@hotmail.co.uk