Bak's TV Week: Britain's Got Diversity!

Tuesday 26 May, 2009: Bak claims that "Simon Cowell could have avoided making Natalie Okri cry by choosing Diversity over her, because none of it really matters with Susan Boyle in the competition". Saturday 30 May, 2009: Bak's jaw hits floor as Diversity are announced as winners of Britain's Got Talent 2009; Bak reaches for hat, then eats it.

 

In my defence, I've never claimed to be a great predictor of talent or reality show winners. In my time I've lost £50 by backing Ahmed in Big Brother 5; £25 on The MacDonald Brothers in 2006's X Factor; and hundreds of pounds by inaccurately predicting the results of the National Lottery draw week after depressing week for the last 15 years. I should probably take my crystal ball straight back to the 99p shop I found it in.

 

Congratulations then to genuinely mesmerising dance troupe Diversity, worthy winners of a show which proved beyond all doubt that Britain does indeed have talent. Or, at least, that Britain has approximately three halfway interesting and hitherto undiscovered stage acts. Because, let's face it, with a couple of notable exceptions, the rest of the competition was about as entertaining as being stuck on a five-day P&O ferry cruise with Steve Brookstein, Chico, and Journey South providing the entertainment. Yes, that bad.

 

Take Shaun Smith, for example, "a young man with the world at his feet," according to Dec. Or, more likely, a young man who has a mountain to climb before he gets his first break at Butlin's five years from now. Shaun is the kind of simpering, Ain't-No-Sunshine-murdering chav so beloved of X Factor judges and cloth-eared Daniel Merriweather fans.

 

But boy was he boring on Saturday night's show. It was all I could do to stop myself nodding off during his interminably mediocre trudge through the Bill Withers classic. Which reminds me: How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the oven till it's Bill Withers. Boom boom.

 

No Prize For Third Place

Even more astonishing was that self-pitying, sock-hat-wearing saxophone twerp Julian Smith came third – THIRD – in Saturday's final. Not only is the saxophone the world's most horrible musical instrument (closely followed by the harmonica; both responsible for some of Bowie's most cringeworthy moments), the performance just (dons Simon Cowell hat) completely lacked personality. I might as well have been watching a cardboard cut-out of a man with a hangdog expression, backed by a reedy and lacklustre sax soundtrack.

 

Even the name 'Julian Smith' makes me feel a bit sleepy. He sounds like the kind of guy who should be serving limp gammon steaks to grey-faced businessmen at a service station somewhere on the M25. Or tearfully raking up piles of wet leaves in a dog-turd-ridden council estate in Stevenage. Instead it's back to the pubs and clubs from whence Julian came. God-willing I'll never accidentally step into a venue where he happens to be meting out his own tortuous brand of aural sedative.

 

And then there were the horribly precocious stage school brats – tiny dancer Aidan Davies and 10-year-old Hollie Steel, both already incredibly well-versed in courting the sympathy vote with some well-timed tears. Aidan, a horrible mini-Timberlake in a flat cap and neckerchief danced his smug little face through a series of ludicrous body-popping routines that were, frankly, a little uncomfortable to watch.

 

Meanwhile, after fluffing her performance of Edelweiss and breaking down in Friday's semi-final, Hollie was praised by Simon Cowell as – and I quote – "officially the bravest girl in the world." This probably came as something of a surprise – to take but one example – to the many thousands of girls trafficked across international borders to be forced into prostitution each year. Indeed, lucky brat Hollie clearly comes from a highly privileged background and has only to worry about what new public humiliation her terrifyingly ambitious parents will dream up for her next. Bravest girl in the world indeed.

 

Strength In The Face Of Diversity

 

If there was a sympathy vote in Saturday's final it surely went to grandfather/granddaughter duo 2 Grand. They were everything variety should be: hilarious, moving, and utterly, hopelessly ridiculous. I mean, come on: an old man with a broken heart singing A Whole New World with his teenage grandkid? And singing it off-key and out of time at that.

This isn't entertainment, Mr Cowell, it's cruelty. To them and to the viewers. Though of the 19 million dolts who tuned in (and weren't, I should add, being paid to do so), I'd bet my bottom dollar that at least 100,000 shed a tear at the old man's sob story. Terrifying really.

 

Stavros Flatley were everything variety should be: hilarious, moving, and utterly, hopelessly ridiculous. But in a good way. Anyone that fat who is willing to prance around half-naked in front of a troupe of professional Riverdancers is alright in my book. I just hope little (or not-so-little) Lagi doesn't feel the sharp end of the school bully's boot once half-term is over.

 

But, win or lose, it's Susan Boyle who's going to keep on clocking up the column inches for months and maybe years to come. She'll still be gracing the front page of The Sun newspaper long after Diversity's DVD hits the bargain buckets in Tesco.

 

'SuBo' may not have the looks, and some (including me) would argue that her voice isn't much to write home about either, but already the gutter press have discovered the true value of her temperamental behaviour and troubled private life, so expect her to be hounded until she cracks up again. The tabloids get what the tabloids want, after all. And whether Britain has talent or not doesn't really come into it.

 

Quotes Of The Week

 

"You are officially the bravest girl in the world." - Simon Cowell knows how to make a precocious brat feel even more smug about herself.

 

"Absolutely unbelievable." - Piers heaps on the hyperbole after Shaheen Jafargholi's so-so performance.

 

"Utterly extraordinary." - And Amanda Holden keeps the theme going.

 

"You're a superstar waiting to happen." - Amanda Holden on Aidan Davies. Let's hope she's wrong.

 

"All his life he's believed he's a loser." - And now, after losing the competition, Julian Smith's worst fears have been confirmed.

 

"My favourite act." - Amanda Holden on Stavros Flatley. At last, something we agree on.

Bak On TV

Read more of Stuart Bak's TV reviews in our Couch Potato archive. Do you agree with Stu's opinions? Disagree? Drop him a line on bakontv@hotmail.co.uk