No Line On The Horizon?

 

With the financial crisis being what it is, and most of us forced to sell our shoes and eat hair to survive, we're all going to have to choose very carefully what albums we buy this year. You don't want to be splashing out on the new Franz Ferdinand, only to find you can't afford that Michelle Heaton solo record.

 

And because there's nothing quite like the excitement that precedes a brand-new release from your favourite bands or singers, here's our biased and totally uncomprehensive selection of albums we're tentatively looking forward to over the coming months.

 

 

Looming largest on the, er, horizon is U2 with their twelfth studio album, No Line on the Horizon. Despite the sleeve looking like the dirty tide mark on our bath and the fact that first single, Get Your Boots On sounds far too much like The Feeling covering Bob Dylan's Subterranean Homesick Blues as produced by George Harrison (actually that doesn't seem too bad written down), we're pretty sure this is the record that will give us hope in uncertain times, end all war, poverty and hunger and convince us that we were wrong when we said Bono was the worst member of his own band.

 

In truth, we were supposed to have heard No Line on the Horizon by now. But then the record label changed their minds about playing it to the likes of us and so we can only guess at what the boys and a classic producer line-up of Brian Eno, Daniel Lanois and Steve Lillywhite (a bit like those old episodes of Doctor Who when three generations would turn up) have managed.

 

Our guess is it's either a crazy, disco-funk odyssey to cheer everyone up or a bit of an overindulgent, tuneless rock-out that takes itself too seriously. The big expensive box-set version looks nice though.

 

The fact that the third Arctic Monkeys album is being recorded in the desert with Queens of the Stone Age's Josh Homme strikes us as a peculiar choice – a little like The Smiths getting Lemmy to produce The Queen Is Dead. But we imagine they know what they're doing.

 

And while they're safely in the Oasis-zone of being able to turn in a pale imitation of their former selves and still sell enough to keep Alexa Chung in mojitos for a lifetime, we don't imagine the critics would take too kindly to a retread of Favourite Worst Nightmare, especially not in the grandiose shadow of the ambitious Last Shadow Puppets.

 

So if the Arctic Monkeys want to avoid being the new Strokes - who've apparently just re-entered a studio too (damn, we were hoping for a third solo album from Albert) - then Homme's masterly understanding of both the sonic and melodic possibilities of guitar, bass, drums and shouting might just be an inspired choice.

 

We can't imagine many people are looking forward to Kate Nash returning to the studio, except perhaps her fella from The Cribs who'll be glad she won't be banging away on the living room piano while he's trying to watch Come Dine With Me.

 

But we're quite intrigued as to what such a record might contain, given that her whole faux naïveté, estuary vowels and kookiness shtick got tired remarkably quickly (almost faster than our realisation we never wanted to hear Mika sing anything ever again).

 

Rumours that she's been inspired by The Supremes aren't entirely unpromising.

And while we're rooting in the musical dustbin marked 'internet sensations', we can't say we were all that fussed about hearing anything again from Lily 'never knowingly spent a night at home' Allen. That is until we heard first single The Fear.

 

While the Robbie-esque "isn't fame awful" subject matter had us rolling our eyes, melodically it's a breezy delight. Fingers crossed for more of the same when It's Not Me, It's You is unleashed in February.

 

At least it'll detract attention away from her private life for a bit (what did she see in that multi-millionaire, jet-setting art dealer?)

 

The fact that the Morrissey single I'm Throwing My Arms Around Paris is really quite good is, of course, no indication that its parent album Years of Refusal won't be a nearly-but-not-quite disappointment like every other album he's released since Viva Hate (awaits angry emails from Vauxhall & I fans).

 

But it's a promising start.

 

What is he doing with that baby on the sleeve, though? Perhaps he's planning to eat it. Ah the irony…

 

Since having one band, a script writing career, a new novel on the way and a sideline in film composing is simply not enough to contain Nick Cave's limitless talent, his seedy side-project Grinderman are set to return this year with a follow up to their surprisingly brilliant debut.

 

This time they've promised to write the songs properly instead of making them up as they went along, like last time. And since Nick Cave's 'phoning it in' is better than everyone else's 'trying really hard', it promises to be very marvellous indeed.

 

Just don't play it to your mother, unless of course your mother likes gratuitous sexual swear words and noise.

We imagine Natasha Khan of Bat For Lashes is a Nick Cave fan; she looks the sort.

 

We have giddily high hopes for her second album Two Sons, due out in April, simply because 2006's Fur and Gold, while frequently derivative to the point of theft and lacking in truly great songs, sounded like a record by a woman who really wants to make a fantastic record.

 

And wanting to is half the battle (someone please tell The Courteeners).

 

Plus she's incredibly lovely and looks fantastic holding a spear. Who wouldn't want more of that?

 

And while we're also excited about a new taTu record, we know you're probably not. And while you're probably extremely excited about the return of Green Day, we're definitely not (punk's not dead, it's just being made by a very rich, old American with the kind of hair an unconvincing heroin addict in Midsummer Murders would have).

 

So the only other thing we can, perhaps, jointly look forward to is the new Prince album. Or the new Prince album. Or even the new Prince album. Because the peculiar genius is releasing three long players in 2009, so by the law of averages one of them must be good, right? Right? RIGHT!?

 

We can only hope.