Good Week/Bad Week: October 16

IT'S BEEN A GOOD WEEK FOR:

KEEPING IT REAL
The twin communities of celebrity and football were left reeling this week after the latest news from the Rooney maternity camp. Shock no 1: it’s been revealed that proud parents-to-be Coleen and Wayne have turned down an offer of £1million from a magazine to publish their baby pictures, because they don’t want their child to be forced into the limelight at such a young age. And also, quite possibly, because they’re thinking that somehow Wayne’s little bundle of joy might not be quite as photogenic as the Beckham babies. Shock no 2: Col is planning to give birth in an NHS hospital in Liverpool, as opposed to the usual private wards where you can opt for a nip and tuck while they’re busy with your elective Caesarean. We’re pleased that Mrs Rooney obviously hasn’t got too big for her Ugg boots, but we are beginning to wonder if she’s even read the Wag Handbook.

CHIPS OFF THE OLD BLOCK
It’s been a sad week in Celebland, and we’ve been spending a lot of time hunting around for something to put a smile back on our weary faces. Thank goodness, then, for the Cocker family. Dad Jarvis and six-year-old son Albert – a rookie on the red carpet – stepped out together this week at the London premiere of Fantastic Mr Fox. Jarvis looked as dapper as ever, working his trademark skinny tailoring, geek-chic glasses and artfully tousled haircut and… so did Albert. Awww. The only difference between the pair’s wardrobes was the cool pair of trainers Cocker Jr had slipped into, instead of shiny grown-up shoes like Dad. By the end of the evening, Albert had effortlessly wrestled the World’s Coolest Celebrity Kid title away from Cruz Beckham. How will the toppled champ come back from that one? We can’t wait to find out.

HOLDING BACK THE YEARS
Hang out the bunting, Clooney’s in town, promoting not one but three films at the London Film Festival. But George, there’s something different about you. Now what is it? Could you by any chance have had the popular showbiz procedure to remove your late-40s eyebags and preserve your craggy-but-not-too-craggy-thanks good looks? Hmm, at least that might explain why you haven’t returned any of our calls or emails recently. There’s no doubt that GC was looking somewhat fresher of face, but it’s entirely possible that the reason for George’s rejuvenation is the influence of girlfriend Elisabetta Canalis, who took to the red carpet with him. Elisabetta is 18 years George’s junior, and we’re just hoping that life with a younger partner doesn’t send him to the cosmetic surgeon’s office on a regular basis. There’s only room for one Michael Douglas in showbiz, thanks.

IT'S BEEN A BAD WEEK FOR:

FACIAL HAIR
The question on everyone’s lips this week was not about the freedom of the press or MP’s expenses, but whether David Beckham was actually rocking his big, bushy beard or not. If you’d asked us last week, we would have told you that David could carry off anything. But having seen the tramp-influenced facial hair he was showing off during England’s recent football matches, we’ve been forced to question everything we ever once believed in. We’re not entirely sure what’s gone wrong. After all, David has been working a light covering of stubble on and off perfectly for years. Surely this is a natural extension of that? Our diagnosis is that it’s the patchiness that’s the problem. And the solution? Persuade Brooklyn, Cruz and Romeo to get busy with their black felt tips and fill in those weird blank bits.

JEN'S DATING PROSPECTS
Jen, Jen, Jen. Everyone is on your side. The world’s press is consumed with your desperate struggle to find a man, offering up constructive, caring words about how you’re one of the world’s most attractive and successful women and yet you can’t persuade a man to stick around and how you’re 40 now, so, like, tick tock. Like we said, those guys are really rooting for you. But we’re not sure what they’re going to make of this latest development. Reports surfaced this week that Jen has reunited with on-off-on-does-anyone-still-care rocker John Mayer and that the two have been enjoying frenzied texting sessions and meet-ups at hotels. While John Mayer clearly emits some super-powered pheromone that makes all the hottest women on the earth fall for him, we’d like it if Jen set her sights on someone more reliable. Maybe a nice plumber or a primary school teacher?

STYLE ADVICE
Planet Fashion can be such a confusing place. Is it OK to team your statement shoulders with a voluminous puffball skirt? Are sequins really acceptable for daytime? Now there’s a shining light to show your way in the darkness. Yes, this week, we have been feeding off reports of Jordan’s new book, Standing Out, which is released next week, and promises to solve all your style dilemmas. Blushing brides-to-be who are worried about what to wear on the big day can find the solutions in the section on choosing a wedding dress. We’re also promised tips on how to dress on a budget. We’re hoping for a combination of the two, and can’t wait to get our hands on the pull-out plans of how to build your own pumpkin wedding coach in the back garden.

Good Week/Bad Week: Oct 9

Good Week/Bad Week: Oct 2
Good Week/Bad Week: Sep 25

 

The views in this column are those of the author alone and not of MSN/Microsoft