You're Hired!

What's next for former Sugababe Keisha Buchanan following her surprise exit from the grumpy girl band? A couple of weeks ago, when the story broke that fellow 'babe  Amelle Berrabah had done a four-day runner from the group, Keisha was quick to state her innocence via Twitter: “I may come across as a hard nut but I'm actually really sensitive”. That hasn't stopped celebrity pundits from claiming Keisha's bullying was a factor in previous band members Siobhan Donaghy and Mutya Buena's decisions to leave the group.

 

Now that Keisha herself has been axed, tweeting “it was not my choice to leave”, she needs a new challenge. How about putting herself forward for next year's Apprentice – let the viewing public see what Sir Alan (sorry, The Right Honourable The Lord Sugar) makes of Keisha's attitude as she co-habits and competes with a group of 13 other ambitious wannabes. On second thoughts, he'd probably need that like a Hole In The Head.

 

Who else, this inevitably had us wondering, would benefit from a similar change of direction? Who would we like to see stepping out of their comfort zone and doing something a little bit, well, different? We’re glad you asked...

NOEL GALLAGHER: Now that Oasis appear to be in ruins (at least until the next reconciliation and bust-up), perhaps Noel, being "the talented one", should follow in hero Paul McCartney's footsteps by dipping his toe into the world of classical music. Though not a patch on the Frog Chorus, McCartney hit the classical chart top spot with his classical album Standing Stone. The year was 1997, coincidentally the same year as the last good Oasis album, Be Here Now. A possible title for Noel's new direction? Be There Now, Standing Stone On The Shoulders of Giants. Any other suggestions welcome...

 

DAVID BECKHAM: All round nice guy Golden Balls Beckham has, let's face it, probably achieved everything he's going to in his chosen sport. So how about a different tack... perhaps tennis? Henman's Hill could be renamed Beckham's Bump, and who wouldn’t like to see Becks in tennis whites? Whether he has any aptitude with a racket is a moot point – the plucky English loser is a Wimbledon tradition akin to orange squash and torrential downpours. The essential question is this: would we really want to hear Mrs Beckham leading a singalong in the stands, a la Cliff Richard?

 

KATHERINE JENKINS: The Forces Sweetheart has an incredible voice, we can all appreciate that, but her music seems to be aimed squarely at the over fifties Sunday Worship crowd. What about the kids? Maybe it's time for Katherine to take a startling new direction and release a grime album. I'm sure London's own Dizzee Rascal wouldn't mind giving her a hand. If Dizzee's busy, or the whole thing sounds too "bonkers" even for him, Newport novelty rappers Goldie Looking Chain could step in!

RICKY GERVAIS: The world's favourite funnyman, Ricky Gervais, has a real quality of pathos. His humour stems from the precisely observed embarrassment and cringing discomfort, and therefore pity, he creates around his characters. What say Ricky has a funny bone extraction and instead mines this emotional seam to great effect as a moody protagonist in a costume drama? He'd make a tremendous Heathcliffe in Wuthering Heights.

 

GUY RITCHIE: Finally ready to mothball the mockney lingo, shooters, geezers, and all that gangster nonsense, Guy could bring a bit of his country squire life to the screen, perhaps in a Sunday afternoon costume drama. In fact, he could direct Ricky in Wuthering Heights!

 

KEITH "KEEF" RICHARDS: It's a case of life imitating art imitating life (and so on). The Rolling Stone, inspired in turn by Johnny Depp's Keef-inspired Captain Jack Sparrow from the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, should take up piracy on the high seas. Cue sailors off the coast of Somalia recoiling from the dreaded cry: “Rocks off! And any other jewellery or valuables, please.”

ALESHA DIXON: There was public outcry when the BBC announced Alesha Dixon was taking Arlene Phillips’ place on Strictly Come Dancing and, following her debut on the judging panel, the broadcaster had 272 complaints. For now, we echo the comments of Dermot O'Leary and former Strictly dancer Camilla Dallerup who have said the former Strictly champ needs a chance to find her feet. Just think how good a judge former talent show winner Cheryl Cole has proved to be on X Factor. Stay right where you are Alesha, and prove those critics wrong!

 

RUSSELL T DAVIES: The daring darling of TV scriptwriters, who regenerated Doctor Who as a hyperactive, moody ego-maniac, is surely ready to take on a more comfy, relaxed outlook to life and work now that he’s handed the Doctor Who reigns over to acclaimed writer Steven Moffat. Perhaps Davies could write a heart-warming Middle England romantic comedy for the big screen – something in the vein of Richard Curtis perhaps. Well it’s only fair, seeing as Curtis himself has just signed up to write an episode for the new series of Doctor Who.

 

BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN: Springsteen was criticised by American fans last year when he only sold his new album at retail superpower Wal-Mart (owners of Asda). Fresh from his headlining stint at this year’s Glastonbury, and perhaps unsure where to direct his revolutionary zeal, The Boss should listen to his own back-catalogue and decide, in order to keep it real, to quit music for a low-paid soul-crushing blue-collar job in a small town. After a shot-gun wedding with his childhood sweetheart, he will yearn to escape and inevitably turn to crime with tragic consequences and an awesome saxophone solo in the middle eight. Well, it beats a regular nine to five.

 

The Sugababes Story

 

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