An Open Letter to Lindsay Lohan

 

Dear Lindsay,

Here are a few simple facts: You’re a great actress, you’re hot, and my 12-year-old brother and I both fancy you (see how broad your appeal is!). But here are a few more: You’re in rehab; you’re close to going to jail; and your career is heading down the loo fast. It’s not too late though – MSN hasn’t given up on you yet! It’s time to turn things around…

So things aren’t great at the moment. You’ve only just turned 21, yet you’ve managed to land yourself in rehab (for the third time this year) and book a double date with a high court judge, all thanks to two of the most unbelievable arrests in Hollywood history. You really should be hanging your pretty head in shame.

First up, you crashed your car back in May after a night on the Hollywood tiles. That’s OK, Lindsay, everyone makes mistakes. You probably just called the police and explained in your most sober state of mind that you’d been involved in a little bump, right?

WRONG! Instead, you fled the scene and drove yourself to hospital, where police arrived soon after and found cocaine in your car and arrested you for drink-driving! Are you crazy? I had hoped that crashing your car three times back in 2005 and being warned many times about jumping behind the wheel while drunk would have slapped some sense into you. But no!

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On July 24, Lohan-behold, you were in huge trouble again. And somehow you actually managed to top the madness of May! Despite the fact that you’d volunteered to wear an alcohol detection bracelet and were supposed to be living the life of a nun, you decided in your wisdom to throw a boozy party at your Malibu house. Then in the wee hours, you had an argument with your assistant, she got mad, quit, and jumped in her car and drove off. That’s OK, Lindsay, everyone has arguments. You probably went inside and left your assistant to cool off, then gave her a quick call in the morning to patch things up, right?

WRONG! Instead, you got in your car and chased after her at high speed and, according to bewildered witnesses, ended up doing circles around her car on the freeway! When you eventually lost her, you sped to her house where her unfortunate mum was pulling into her driveway in another vehicle. She saw a car heading towards her at top speed so she freaked out, reversed and sped off. And for some idiotic reason, you chased her, even as she zoomed up to a police station. Police ran out, guns drawn, and arrested you. And once again, they found cocaine in your possession and, surprise surprise, you were well over the legal alcohol limit. Are you crazy?! It would appear that at the moment, Lindsay, yes you are.

This HAS to be the final straw. Is this really what you wanted when you put in all that hard work as a child actress, landing your first starring role in a movie when you were just 10 years old – to be stuck in rehab, fighting your drink and drug demons and hoping that a judge doesn’t throw you in jail? I don’t think so. Surely you wanted to fulfill your acting potential and enjoy a long, award-winning career in Hollywood?

You were heading that way – you’ve starred in some good films (Freaky Friday, Mean Girls, and Herbie: Fully Loaded), had some rave reviews and won fans all around the world. But your wild child ways have sent your career nose-diving into the Hollywood mud. It’s been years since you’ve had a hit movie, and you’ve pulled out of at least three in the past year due to ‘exhaustion’ aka ‘partying too hard with Paris Hilton’! It’s easy for Paris to party her bony arse off every night – that’s her job! Your job is to be an actress. The world wants you to be in more great movies. Maybe just meet Paris for a fry-up every other Sunday?

So what should you do? Well you don’t have to live a saintly life – you’re 21 and you’re an actress in Hollywood for goodness sake! Just focus on doing your job and stop doing stupid things like drink-driving (get a chauffeur-driven limo – you’re minted!), snorting cocaine and partying every single night with Hollywood socialites and jobless bad boys!

 

While we’re on the subject, you’ve been, erm, hanging out with serial womaniser Calum Best for too long now. As far as I can tell, Calum’s job is to party every night and cop off with as many hot girls as he can. And he’s very good at it. That’s fine, good luck to him, but that’s not great boyfriend material, especially for a girl with a serious career and, erm, prospects!

 

You can turn things around, Lindsay. You’re still only 21. Use your time in rehab as a chance to wipe the slate clean. Lots of people, including my little brother, would be gutted if you threw everything away.

Yours hopefully,

David at MSN

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View our gallery of Lindsay's highs and lows


The views in this column/blog are those of the author alone and not of MSN or Microsoft