An Open Letter to David Beckham

 

Dear David,

How’s life in sunny Los Angeles? Is it one big stupid showbiz rollercoaster that has very little to do with the beautiful game of football? I thought so! That’s why I’m writing you this letter. Tell Tom Cruise to put that Scientology kettle on; this could take a while…

So Becks, you big legend, I bet you’re wondering what my beef is with your multi-million pound move to Los Angeles. Well, it’s your wife. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate Victoria or think that you’d be better off without her; she’s gorgeous and she’s clever and she’s really good at pointing. And she’s the mum of your lovely kids. It’s just that this move to LA looks to me like it’s more to do with Posh’s hunger for fame than it is to do with your bendy genius on the pitch.

You keep saying that the move to LA Galaxy is all about promoting “soccer” (it’s well weird hearing you call it that) to American kids and to raise the profile of the game over there. Well, that’s very lovely of you Sir, but yeah, whatever! I think the REAL reason you said bye to Madrid is that you and your missus couldn’t get much more famous in Europe, Victoria was getting bored, and she fancied becoming A-list royalty in the Land of Hope and Glory and burgers. Sunderland manager Roy Keane said as much this week about the rest of the football A-squad: he reckons it’s the WAGs who are wearing the designer trousers and making the decisions about where their husbands play.

Has the Beckhams' move to LA has hampered Becks' football career?

Admit it David, I reckon Victoria let you take her to Spain only on the condition that she could be in charge of the next move. And in some ways that’s fair – couples should have a give-and-take relationship – but unfortunately for you, this move has taken you to the Bargain Bin of football nations! Sure, there was a tiny blip in your Real Madrid career when the head coach didn’t put you in the team and you signed for a US soccer side instead, but by the end you had won him round and Real had won La Liga.

Originally, Victoria was up for moving back here to the UK, where you’d have probably been playing for Chelsea and she’d be a judge on X Factor, but it seems to me that after a few sunny years in Spain, your good lady teamed up with manager Simon Fuller and they set their eyes on more starry skies.

Victoria and Simon clearly have big Hollywood plans. Posh has already been in a reality show, and now there are rumours of chat shows, a designer shop on Melrose Avenue, Victoria on the judging panel for American Idol (the Idol franchise is Fuller’s baby don’t forget), and possibly even some movie roles. No, seriously. Didn’t you see last week’s Star Stories – that Simon Fuller’s desire for global domination is rivalled only by his high-trousered mate Simon Cowell!

All this Hollywood superstardom stuff would be OK, but like most normal people, David, it clearly does your head in. This is what you said after going out for caviar and chips last week: "It's definitely over the top here in LA. In London, if we'd go out to dinner, there would be four or five cars following us. The other night we had 47. No joke. I get nervous. They run red lights and you're just waiting for accidents to happen."

And Posh doesn’t seem to be helping the media frenzy. According to a source at West Hollywood hotel Chateau Marmont, which prides itself on being a discreet haven for celebrities, Victoria often alerts the snappers: “She always lets the paparazzi know when she'll be arriving,” said the source. “The Chateau Marmont tries to give celebs their privacy, and they hate her there.”

The media circus probably wouldn’t do your nut in so much if you had world class football to throw yourself into. Granted, you did just score a free-kick in your most recent game for LA Galaxy, but you’re playing for a team that’s way, way beneath you, and your bendy brilliance is bound to suffer because of it. As a result, there’s a fair chance that your renewed England chances will go down the pan – head coach Steve McClaren has already hinted that he’s concerned about the quality of your new league.

And as for you single-handedly taking “soccer” to the next level in the US, and putting LA Galaxy on the map; it’s all looking exciting at the moment, but American fans (like British ones) can be fickle. And I’m worried that your God-like status over there might be short-lived and you could end up bored and depressed while ‘Queen B’ sips Atkins Celery shakes with new best friends Nicole Kidman and Steven Spielberg.

So what do we suggest? Come home! That’s what. Get your golden balls back to the UK and continue your brilliant football career. And if Victoria can’t tear herself away from Hollywood, she can stay there and fly home at weekends. John Travolta will probably give her a lift.

But until then Becks, have fun in that Galaxy far, far away…

Becks wishes,

David

Do you agree that the Beckhams' move to LA has hampered Becks' football career? Should he come home? Join the debate on the message boards

 

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